I’m doing a lot better mentally these days. I hadn’t realised I wasn’t until the diffuse feeling of “why aren’t I happy?” I had started improving and my concentration got better. In hindsight, I could kick myself, but it’s unhealthy to dwell on the feeling of wasted time. Ok, maybe a tiny kick: I can’t believe I’ve fallen into the pressure and worry trap again – I should know better! G. agrees I should hang up a big sign on my wall saying “I never dreamed I would be here and I am the luckiest person alive”. Let’s see if that helps.
In terms of work progress, I’m doing a lot better since G. helped me realise I have to provide myself with regular meetings with Supervisor C. – now I have someone I trust to give me a sense of security in my decisions, and take the edge off showing work in progess. Feedback is so goddamn important, I remember. I should show people things a lot earlier, I remember. I feel stuck in a loop of failing at things I’m already supposed to know, then being perfectly knocked across the head with the realisation. Looking back on how often this has happened in the past year is exasperating.
Discussions with Supervisor C. helped me see the invisible weaknesses and incoherencies, and in trying to resolve them, I was thrown into directions that let me see things in a different light and, piece by piece, some things fell into place (while others remain terribly confusing but hey). On one fateful occasion, I had a small breakdown when my attemps to create a design taxonomy of social media failed: during an analysis, I realised that the affordances and aesthetics of the different platforms were converging more and more. I was lamenting this in a meeting, but Supervisor C. laughed and said: “but this just makes your argument for design power stronger, doesn’t it?”. There followed a complete reorientation of my aim in analysing the platforms – a term I had just written down without really thinking, in an attempt to describe what I meant. With Superviso C’s guidance, design power became the center of my attention and the framing and sense of the whole thing. What is design power, how does it manifest, and why does the “social” aspect of social media make a difference?
Now I’ve finally finished and sent my proposal (which took so long because I plan to re-use it as a proficiency evaluation draft), and feel like I’ve achieved something (I haven’t). But more importantly, I’ve got something to look back on and something to look forward to.
Currently sipping coffee that has gone cold hours ago, and crunching on some Arare instead of a proper breakfast because it’s almost lunchtime.